Horrifying Awareness!

The Rain kept coming down, down, forcasting what was ahead. That cold blasting torrent of freezing water put ice on the wing of thought that was carrying me away, farther. That ice was in my heart too. I was more than willing to have it take me and try to erase the persistent thought that I had just made the worst mistake of my life.

I couldn't move. My feet felt as though they were encased in cement. My brain was whirling with a mishmash of bloated horrifying images. I waited with my heart in my mouth. All my options to kill time lost their appeal. My tightly controlled emotions, had locked in my ability to show affection as effectively, as if contained in a steel box. I never realized how tight it was and tightly controlled my emotions had become. There was a thousand what ifs in my mind. I put my face in my hands and sigh away my trepidations.

From the time I was a little guy I had rehearsed the moment of future glory a thousand and one time. When it did happen, I would be ready.

But during the dark years the Fantasy of reaching the top had become an overwhelming driving force that kept me going. I had learned that when you've accomplished, without fear, an ability to go far, far, far inside yourself, relive the emotional stervation and lovelessness, you've come to know a certain awesome splendor. Without which you cannot reach for eternity. Paying your dues to attain it becomes so freightening, so gut-wrenching, it gurrantees you years of sleeplessness and nightmares.

I had to find or obsolve it or never hope again.

I pulled myself back together again, go on, convinced myself there is a reason for everything and at some point in my life it will be disclosed.

It is difficult to know when my Flight of Ecstasy segued into a horrifying awareness.

HOPE: What a Friend You Are!

It is Saturday, the classes were over, and the students were preparing for the general hostel inspection. I am not part of it; in fact, I haven’t been part of it for sometimes now. Part of the squabbles of power; power tussle, as some may call it, has made sure I’ve been relieved of such extra pressure. But boy am I happy? So, quickly I jumped up and went to the school’s café to pass my time usefully.

It was evening hours and I just got back from a brief football exercise; wondering what to do next, to while away time of course. I had just received a bad news from one of my colleague, news that left me with so much to think about. And that is just the news this day – bad! Can anything good come out of the seemingly bad leaders we have littering around the corridor of power, waiting for the next bad thing to execute? That is just their name – the executives. But I wouldn’t give up on hope, no – no way! God “dey” as our people uses to say, and He never fails. In fact I just need to keep hold of hope, everything I’m doing right now depended on it; I can’t afford to fail.

Faith without work is dead, according to Saint Paul. So I must work hard and plan well, and God will never forsake me; he never did that. And talking about forsaking, a girl sent me bubble gums this morning, and greetings of course. What of it? What does it really mean? I kept thinking. But maybe it is not suppose to mean much. My brain, somehow, seems to be too sharp these days, or maybe sensitive is a better word for it. I seemed to be over-analyzing things, attaching more importance to simple events. Maybe I’m supposed to chill up and relax for the time being. But looking at this word ‘simple’, it sounds Mathematical to me like ‘irreducible’. Something too abstract that can only be possible in an ideal world, but we are not in such a world; maybe not yet. So can event ever be simple? I wondered.

Sunday here we are! Once again thoughts of what to do filled me with nostalgia. I came to the school premises wondering what exactly I should be doing. Then I remembered. It is always like that when I lack what to do suddenly flood of works undone encircled me. So I marked the test scripts I gave a day earlier and then … … … I updated my class register. Yes, my classes register, I’m a class master, on top of everything; and by everything I mean teaching 17 arms. Oh! Didn’t I mention it earlier; I’m the only Mathematics teacher for the entire school. So I kind of like mark more than hundred assignments daily, and on top of that I coordinated quiz club, debates club, press club and drama club. Whoa!!!

But I’m really thankful to God Almighty for the strength He gave and the opportunity given to me to be of service to such young students. That’s what Sunday is all about – thanks, thanks, and thanks. But then I remembered my fiancée who I used to send and receive happy Sundays greeting weekly. Now I couldn’t do that anymore, security squabbles has made that absolutely impossible. But I really missed that. Now I wondered when network will bounce back and how high my happiness would reach. Hope will never leave me.

Prosperity preaching, prosperity preaching, prosperity preaching. I hear them discussing about it on the BBC world service, it pros and cons. But I wondered if pastors should stop putting too much emphasis on prosperity and may be talk more about salvation. But I really don’t think it will be possible because pastors can’t afford to lose members these days. Yes, that’s just the fact. “Hey, pastors preach no prosperity and I leave your church”, someone once commanded. Not me of course. I know you’ll argue that Jesus Christ spent all His days preaching salvation, and exhorted His followers so to do. But then Jesus was crucified. Which pastor wants to be crucified? And how many pastors would run a church where members do not donate heavily? Of course members must prosper to be able to donate heavily, and for the church to continue to exist.

One thing that seems to amaze me these days is the fact that most of the fastest growing churches in the world is owned by Nigerians, who live in Nigeria. But on the other hand Nigeria is currently rated amongst the fastest growing corrupt countries in the world. Whoa!!! Now I know you’re amazed too. But, may be, it was meant to be: Jesus and Satan living side-by-side like neighbors. But wouldn’t the power of Christ chase away the spirit of sins? I wondered.

to be continued ...

Shadows on the Wall!

Whenever I think of being young, I see again those blue-misted mountains and hills, and the trees that paraded stiffly up and down the slopes, and I smell again the dry and dusty air that was mine to breathe daily. I see again the SHADOWS on the wall that blended so well with the shadows in my mind, and I hear again the unspoken, unanswered question of why? when? and how much longer? My thoughts took frantic flight, wanting to escape this prison, and seek out the wind so it could fan my hair and sting my skin, and make me feel alive again.

I yearned for those children out there who were running wild and free on the browning grass, and scuffling their feet in the dry, crackling leaves just as I used to do. Why was it I never realized when I was able to run wild and free that I was experiencing HAPPINESS? Why did I think back then, that happiness was always just ahead in the future, when I would be an adult, able to make my own decisions, go my own way, be my own person? Why had it seemed that being a child was never enough? Why had I thought that happiness reserved itself for those grown to full size? Where does one end and the other start?

PATIENCE! I coloured patience gray, hung over with black clouds. I coloured HOPE yellow, just like that sun we could see for a few short morning hours. Too soon the sun rose high in the sky and disappeared from view, leaving us bereft, and staring at blue.

Still, I was YOUNG, and hope has strong roots in the young, and when I collide with disappointments, I could laugh and pretend. After all, I am making my mark in the world.