Horrifying Awareness!

The Rain kept coming down, down, forcasting what was ahead. That cold blasting torrent of freezing water put ice on the wing of thought that was carrying me away, farther. That ice was in my heart too. I was more than willing to have it take me and try to erase the persistent thought that I had just made the worst mistake of my life.

I couldn't move. My feet felt as though they were encased in cement. My brain was whirling with a mishmash of bloated horrifying images. I waited with my heart in my mouth. All my options to kill time lost their appeal. My tightly controlled emotions, had locked in my ability to show affection as effectively, as if contained in a steel box. I never realized how tight it was and tightly controlled my emotions had become. There was a thousand what ifs in my mind. I put my face in my hands and sigh away my trepidations.

From the time I was a little guy I had rehearsed the moment of future glory a thousand and one time. When it did happen, I would be ready.

But during the dark years the Fantasy of reaching the top had become an overwhelming driving force that kept me going. I had learned that when you've accomplished, without fear, an ability to go far, far, far inside yourself, relive the emotional stervation and lovelessness, you've come to know a certain awesome splendor. Without which you cannot reach for eternity. Paying your dues to attain it becomes so freightening, so gut-wrenching, it gurrantees you years of sleeplessness and nightmares.

I had to find or obsolve it or never hope again.

I pulled myself back together again, go on, convinced myself there is a reason for everything and at some point in my life it will be disclosed.

It is difficult to know when my Flight of Ecstasy segued into a horrifying awareness.